Will the Homo Simians Please Raise Their Hands?
by Aiatalay
Summary: October 6th, 2009. The second fic I'd ever written, again crack. Never finished this one either. The premise was vaguely that the entire main cast of characters turned into various animals.
1. Chapter 1

**October 6th, 2009**  
Inspired by... um... Well, I was reading this fic, and **genagirl** has this icon with "John Barrowman from Torchwood" in it and he has this lemur on his head, and **californiaquail** points out that it looks like the lemur is fisting the guy's hair. (Sorry guys if you don't like the whole story being told... I have a primal need to tell the whole story) and then I'm like "what if JIMMY's hair was being fisted by the lemur?" and then safari crashed before I could go back and think twice about clicking the "post" button,and while it reloaded, i was like, 'wait, how would the lemur get on Wilson's head in the first place?' and then (I actually said this aloud) "Because the lemur is House."

So. Yeah. It's gonna be lots of fun and that.

But it would be waay more fun if Wilson is a bushbaby. *SMIRK* 

**Name:** Will the Homo Simians raise their hands please?  
**Fandom:** . House, MD  
**Pairing:** House/Wilson, Chase/Cameron, Foreman/Fangirling Nurses (He knows he loves it)  
**Summary: **Wilson, House, and the fellows get a big surprise from all corners of the animal kingdom!  
**Disclaimers:** The feature presentation is crack!fic. As in, but not limited to: involuntary species change (don't worry! it's funny, not sad.), magic spells being used, and umm, well I can't think of a third thing right now. But its all good.. It is also probably supposed to be rated R for themes and language.  
**Spoilers: **Minor one for the season one episode "Poison", I doubt anyone will find it, though. (Internet cookies for the person who DOES catch it though)

**A/N:** I'm gonna quote Wikipedia here for no immediately apparent reason, but you'll get it as you read the fic. It's basically some interesting information I came across while researching for my fic.

UPDATE: While fact checking this at the library, I found that the subspecies of Galago that I had made Wilson (Thick Tailed Bushbaby) is indeed the same size as your average Ringtailed Lemur. I went ahead and fixed my story to go with that. I also discovered that the lemurs are not nocturnal, as are galagos (bushbabies). I went ahead and ignored that, because it will make life easier for me if I tweak that particular animal habit.

Dr. House would like to use the rest of this space to point out that "if Aiatalay owned his show, then his show would have turned out _differently_, wouldn't it?" *sidelong glance at Wilson* 

House was in a forest. He didn't know why he was in a forest, he just was. It was probably a dream. He looked over at a nearby tree, and was surprised to find it was baobob tree. Also known as the upside-down tree, it meant that he had a 6/8 chance of being in Madagascar, a 1/8 chance of being in continental Africa (most likely, since his dad had been stationed in Egypt once) and another 1/8 chance of being in Australia. Cool. He got to go on a world tour in his sleep.

He walked around awhile, enjoying the weird birds he saw and the cool plants. It wasn't often that his mind dreamed up a pretty garden to play with, usually it was either a nightmare or hookers. And a couple times both.

House opened his eyes. That had to have been the most boring dream he'd ever had. He glanced over at his alarm clock, which was blaring its morning shit at him. _Get up! _**BEEP! BEEP!**_Spend another day of your life surrounded by idiots!_** BEEP! BEEP!**_ Diagnose colds in the clinic!_**BEEP! BEEP!**_ Have a- _**BAM!**

House hit the "off" button with perhaps a little more force than necessary, dragged himself out of bed, and popped Vicodin #1 of today. His alarm clock was right. Time to get ready for work.

Wilson was in his office and had been there for some time by the time House had gotten to work. He was staring intently at his computer screen, reading something long, he kept scrolling down. House watched him from his office and bored, decided to go bother him.

"'What has captured your attention so thoroughly? Porn?" he inquired as he slid open the balcony door. Wilson grinned.

"Nope. Pointless research. The kind that you would usually like."

"And what are your researching that I would like?" House asked.

He paused. Just as Wilson was about to speak he cut him off.

"If you don't say hookers, porn, or something else like that, I'm going to leave." Another pause.

"Wait. You already said it wasn't porn. Unless… you count watching porn and researching porn as different things. In which case porn would be back on the table. Hmm. I'll go with 'Porn is half on the table and half off.' Or maybe just bent over the table." House grinned now. Wilson shook his head in disbelief. He was friends with this guy?

"Do you want to know what I was doing, or not?"

House thought a moment. "Not really, I just came in to bother you because I was bored." He laid out on the couch. Wilson rolled his eyes.

"You get a half-hour there until my next patient wants to meet here, and then you have to leave." House got out his PSP.

"Guess I'd better make the most of it then."

Wilson turned back to his Wikipedia page on primates that he had found after some drug email had got him on the internet. He was on the lemur section now.

House clung desperately to his whiteboard. He didn't want to fall, the floor felt too far away. He had been playing a rare _actual_ game with his fellows, his version of hangman. Which was played similar to real hangman, only instead of blank spaces, you wrote symptoms, and instead of guessing letters, you guessed diseases. It was actually kind of fun, and good practice for when completing the hangman meant you weren't doing your job instead of just losing the game.

God only knew what caused one to suddenly grow fur and a tail, and be only maybe a sixth of his normal height. Using his hind legs, he climbed up to the top of the board, which didn't work well when the board's rotating face leaned ba-a-ack and deposited him on the floor with a bump.

"What the HELL?" he asked. Not a bad question.

Cameron was the next to talk. "I'm a parrot!"

Foreman piped up next, "Hey Chase, now you really are a wombat!"

Chase shot back "Yeah? Well now you have a robber mask to go with your criminal record."

House laughed from the floor. "Chase is a wombat?"

He started climbing up one of the chairs. "This I gotta see."

When he got table level, he looked around at his fellows. Cameron was a scarlet macaw and was perched on her chair. Chase was by far the biggest out of the group and also was indeed a wombat. Foreman was a raccoon.

"Hey FOREMAN!" He shouted at the only other mammal in the room.

"What did I do?" he asked, whiskers twitching.

"You ripped off my fashion sense AGAIN." Foreman groaned as he realized his gray and black striped raccoon tail was indeed similar to House's long black and white ringed lemur tail.

"Alrighty then, on the count of three all the fellows who want to keep their jobs are going to help me break into Wilson's office, because Cuddy will never believe us without his input and I'm not about to go walking the halls looking for her." House then hopped off the table and started for the door. About half way there he stopped and looked at his right hind leg. "Huh." He noted.

"What?" Cameron asked.

"My leg isn't all fucked up anymore, that's what. This way!" House tried to reach up and get a handhold on the doorjamb to get outside. Chase lumbered over and pressing one paw to the wall, tried to open the door.

"Damn. No opposable thumbs." He muttered.

"You will, however, make a good ladder for those who do have opposable thumbs." House pointed out.

"Homo Simian coming through!" he shouted as he climbed up Chase's side, and onto his front leg until he could reach the door handle. Turning it, the door popped open and House jumped off Chase and onto the balcony. Easily scaling the low wall separating his and Wilson's balconies, he hopped down and tried very hard to force the door open. It worked enough. House sat down, panting to take a rest after getting himself through the door. He didn't bother to shut it behind him.

"Wilson?"

The room didn't seem to have anyone in it until he head a small scuffling from behind the desk. Racing around it, he found a bushbaby on Wilson's floor under the desk looking back at him with huge scared looking chocolate brown eyes. Wilson's eyes. House approached it cautiously, literally nosing the air in front of him. Smelled like Wilson, anyway..

"Wilson?" he asked again.

The bushbaby jumped in surprise.

"H-House?"

House sat down next to Wilson, who was about his size, and started poking him. "What the hell happened to you?"

"Could ask you the same question, House" Wilson started calming down, but edged away as House made to poke his large catlike ears.

"I've been mysteriously transformed into a lemur." House muttered distractedly as he kept on inspecting his friend.  
Wilson jumped onto his chair in a futile attempt to get away from House's insane curiosity. House followed with ease and clamped his hands around Wilson in order to prevent the primate oncologist from getting away.

Wilson immediately started squirming to get out of House's firm grip. "Let me go, House!" House ignored him and started examining Wilson's wide brown eyes. Wilson was slightly startled by how blue House's seemed to be, when the natural color would have been orange. He stared at House's eyes, slightly transfixed, until House asked "Are we sure this isn't some weird hallucination on my part? Not that they usually get this weird, but you stopped fighting. You never stop fighting in my hallucinations."

Wilson shook his head and said, "Nah, I'm pretty sure this is real. Or we're both going insane." 

There came some noises of arguing fellows outside and House cocked an ear to listen. "I can hear better." he noted with interest as he started around the desk to see what the commotion was about,

Wilson realized he was very close to being left behind and hurried to catch up with House.

"Hey guys! I found a bushbaby who thinks he's an oncologist." House said as he climbed up the wall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Dated out of sequence. Actual date of writing unknown.**  
Name: Will the Homo Simians raise their hands please? Chapter Two  
Fandom: . House, MD  
Pairing: House/Wilson, Chase/Cameron, Foreman/Fangirling Nurses (He knows he loves it)  
Summary: Wilson, House, and the fellows get a big surprise from all corners of the animal kingdom!  
Disclaimers: The feature presentation is crack!fic. As in, but not limited to: involuntary species change (don't worry! it's funny, not sad.), magic spells being used, and umm, well I can't think of a third thing right now. But its all good.. It is also probably supposed to be rated R for themes and language.  
Spoilers: Minor one for the season one episode "Poison", I doubt anyone will find it, though. (Internet cookies for the person who DOES catch it though)

"How am I supposed to get over the wall like _this_?" Chase asked, putting his paws on the top of aforementioned wall and peering over quite comically as rustling sounds came from Wilson's office. He hoped Wilson was alright, House seemed to have gone from 'pissed off' to 'on speed' in like two seconds flat. Albeit being turned into various animals might be a rather disconcerting experience, but that was a pretty impressive mood swing House pulled off.

Foreman hopped up onto a nearby lawn chair and onto the edge of the wall. His roly-poly frame bounced a little on impact, and his grabby little paws made fun little pad noises as he regained his balance. Foreman had absolutely no jumping skills. But it was interesting to watch, anyway. Chase lumbered over to the chair, and began hauling his little wombutt up onto it. He'd just about managed the whole way up when Cameron finally made it out the door and started squawking.

"Guys? How do birds fly?" she asked, spreading an impressive crimson wingspan and flapping it with no effect. Foreman stared. Chase fell off the chair.

"Bollucks, Cameron, couldn't you have waited until _after_ I'd gotten on the chair? Owww..."

"But I cant't fly, and my feet don't walk very well anymore." Cameron looked sad.

Foreman groaned.

"So? You're not supposed to flap straight up and down, real birds twist their wings a bit and they flap... much... faster?" Foreman watched as first Cameron twisted her wings back as far as they would go. Snapping them forward in a powerful downstroke, she flew up about half a foot before landing on her beak.

"Well, now you know as much about flying as I do." Foreman said, when suddenly there came a shout from behind them.

"Hey guys! I found a bushbaby who thinks he's an oncologist." House shouted, easily finding little chinks between bricks with his little fingers and climbing at speeds high enough to require evasive maneuvers on the part of Foreman if he wished to not be run over by PowerHouse Lemur.

"House, how the hell did all this hap- AUGH! RACCOON!" a brown furry lemur had climbed much more slowly up the wall and had puffed out all its fur at the sight of Foreman, and was now backing away while showing off some impressive while tiny primate teeth.

Chase put his paws on the wall again, coming nose-to-tail with Wilson. He quickly put his paws down and moved to a different peer-over-the-wall spot and coming up again, this time next to House. Chase silently debated whether or not that was a wise idea when Wilson saw him.

"Dr. Wilson? Is that you?" Cameron asked from behind the wall. Wilson didn't answer at first, Foreman was busy looking affronted at Wilson, House was busy sitting in between Foreman and Wilson, and Chase was laying low. Cameron flap-hopped up Chase's back.

"Hey, watch it with the sharp feet!" Chase whined. Cameron ignored him and landed on the wall, cocking her head to regard Wilson. Wilson took another step back, and House shoved her off the wall.

"You're scaring Wilson, you morons," he shouted. Cameron birdglowered at him from the pea gravel floor.

"Foreman, stay away from Wilson. He doesn't like raccoons." Chase whispered up to the angry little ball of fur. It relaxed infinitesimally, then uncurled and jumped to the floor to help set Cameron upright. She was having getting off her back troubles.

House surveyed his side of the balcony, then turned to Wilson, who was still radiating Galago tension off his lithe prosimian form.

"Wilson, calm down. Forman is not a real raccoon." House admonished.

He pushed Wilson over, distracting him. It worked, because Wilson took a swipe at him and caught him on the ear. House learned that he was ticklish there, and Wilson learned that he could run much faster now. House ran as fast as he could to get away, but Wilson was laughing and tackling him on the corner of the wall. The fellows were still trying to figure out how to teach Cameron to fly.

Wilson had House pinned upside down to the lawn chair when something picked him up. Chase stared down at the ring-tailed prize in his hands.

"Huh, I guess I _can_ pick them up. Thanks, Foreman." Chase commented with some air of satisfaction in his voice. Chase carefully hobbled over to Cameron, unsteady because wombats do not usually walk on their hind feet alone.

"Hey! I was playing with that!" Wilson shouted, in a tone of voice that expressed a childish anger at having their toy taken from them and the much more familiar emotion of disbelief at the things coming out of his mouth. Did these new bodies come with new instincts also?

"Chase, put me DOWN." House gasped, attempting to squirm out of the wombat's surprisingly powerful grip. Chase didn't.

"You know all the useless stuff. Explain the mechanics of avian flight." Chase directed, clearly enjoying being the biggest one there. House froze, staring at Cameron. Then he laughed.

"You don't know how to fly?" he managed to say between fits of laughter, "But you're a bird!" He kept on laughing until Chase, fed up with having his precarious balance thrown off by House gave the lemur's soft middle a squeeze.

"Wahh! Can't...Breathe!" House shuddered, and stopped laughing. Wilson huffed and jumped on Chase's head, sending the three of them careening into Foreman, who fell on Cameron. Cameron's feathers got ruffled.

"No shaking House." Wilson declared, primly hopping off the top of the animal pile as House sat up, angling for escape from the evil fellows. They got their chance, because Foreman had to help Cameron set her feathers straight and Chase had to start his chair climbing process All. Over. Again.


End file.
